oops.

i don't give a damn about my lack of motivation.
i'm getting married in 21 days.
and no one has been paid.
i have off tomorrow.
it can wait 'til then.
:)

best i've got

go easy on me, baby.
i'm doing my best.
i can only hope that it will be enough
to get to the better side of me.

bring out the hurry and the slide
it's only a matter of time
until we slip
into it.
or out of it.
but hopefully into it.

there is no end in sight
to this confusion i'm creating.

just remember, honey,
you're all i've got.

Pop

my crazy heart races with each beat
boom
boom
boom
amplifies the sounds of my head
buzz
buzz
buzz
breaks into rhythm with my toes
tap
tap
tap
moves with the grace of my soul.

have you ever felt so much at once that you felt as if you were about to explode?

Dust

i feel badly about this poor blog gathering dust.
my resolution to keep writing has fallen behind in the mix of the world.
i am turning over yet another leaf.
i will return to this world of writing my thoughts.
i will attempt to work harder on the writings that actually matter.
and i will keep myself dusted off.

let's see how well this goes.

tornado

there's a fight inside my soul
it scratches at my brain
it latches on my heart
it tears me apart.

there's a fire in my mouth
it poisons my breath
it moistens my lungs
it's all overdone.

i am a ticking time bomb.
i am a walking mass of turmoil.
i am a tornado.

go.

i'm falling apart
while falling on you.

i'll take you down with me.
you must be a masochist, honey.
why else would you still be here?

despite my sick smile, you know.
you know it's all a lie.
there's something dark and dead inside
grasping at straws
pulling at you
pulling at me
cage it up, honey.
hurry quick before it gets loose again.

my salt stained cheeks speak volumes
and the spots of color on that pillow don't lie.

the animal is already out.
no way to save me now.
just hold on to me tight
so i don't shake apart.

hold on to me tight and don't let go.

so i wanted to write something for myself

and here i am.
writing.
something.
nothing much.
just a little something.
to prove that i can.
end.

time

life moves quickly.
no way to slow it down.
i'm going to try to trip it.
and see if it falls to the ground.
palms spread into the dirt.
get up and dust them off.
by then i'll be gone.
time is never enough.

move.

watch the water.
watch it move.
stop the whirlpool
with your pinky
toe.
down the drain.
just like you.
a signal goes off
deep in the pit
of your brain.
move.
get up.
move.
motivation is failing.
fleeting.
gone.
no desire to leave
the porcelain grave
you have dug for
yourself.
only desire is more
and more
and more
water.
long to stop
the whirlpool.
to feel in control of
something.
a sound like creaking
breaks through.
cogs turn
and twist
and fall back into step.
the machine wakes up.
reality says hello.
you are twenty something.
you have a dead end job.
you are alone.
you are naked.
it's time.
move.

it's been a while

so work has been chowing down on my soul recently. 40 hour weeks aren't as simple as they seemed to be. and this job is exhausting. but i've been battling the wii fit in my down time. trying to lose some extra poundage before this dang wedding. so far so good. only about 8 more pounds to go to get back to my weight before moving to this silly state. i also had a mary kay makeover last night from one of my co-workers. and it was awesome. i've never been given a real facial before, so this was a new experience. i have a feeling that i'll be getting a bunch of mary kay stuff soon. and perhaps selling it in my downtime? i'm not sure. it seems like fun so who knows. i don't know too many people down here to sell to, but it is nice stuff. so many paths and they all seem to go in completely opposite directions. publishing. lens crafters. mary kay. graduate school. wedding. writing. teaching. it's hard to keep track of everything. i just need to get myself straight and then focus on the other stuff. i don't really know why i'm posting this but i'm going to anyway because this is my damn blog and i'll post what i like even if it's a waste of time and completely irrelevant to everything in the world.

oh, and i've also become obsessed with Kingsley. if you don't know who he is, look him up. friggin hysterical.

Welcome Back

welcome back to the world
he said with a smile
so tempting to run
but which way?
to or from his words
neither makes much sense.
so i will stand here
waiting for the world
to hit me
waiting for the world
to set me down
let the sand envelope
and hide me away
like a piece of rock
sand me down
til i'm pretty again.

Squirrels in the Ceiling

I just discovered lastfm and I can't even listen to it.
There are squirrels in my ceiling.
And they are playing tag.
And hissing.
I didn't even know squirrels could hiss.
Their little feet don't even pitter patter like you would think.
No.
They thump thump thump.
Like giant radioactive squirrels.
Even if I hit the ceiling with the blunt end of our shopvac, they continue to scurry and thump.
I'm not sure how they're getting into our ceiling, but every once in a while I see them hop from the vicinity of our roof to the trees nearby.
Oh god.
I think they're killing each other.
I have this image of squirrels in battle armor jousting with branches above my head.
Battle cries and all.
Or maybe they're just mating.

Screw you, internet ad generator!

I just viewed my blog. There are two colorful ads on it:

"Hate Your Job? Go Back to School!"
and
"FREE COUPONS FOR FOOD"

What exactly does that say about me and my blog? That I hate my job and am obsessed with food?

While I will obviously concede to the job thing at times, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WRITING ABOUT FOOD. Why does it assume that I am a food-aholic when it has no reason to? It doesn't matter that it's computer generated assumptions are right, I just want to know HOW it knows.

Stupid Internet.

Story Time Part 2

Yay for getting out stress in vent sessions on the internet to everyone in the world who has access to a computer! Awesome.
But now for something a little more interesting than venting.
I've been recently hung up on a story idea. I have two of the characters solidly worked out. I know of three other characters that will be equally important but I haven't quite "met" them yet in my head. There's still a long way to go. But I'm thinking about writing it out on here. At first I thought maybe for feedback, but really it's just so I can get it out of my head and onto some tangible medium. I would just do it in Word, but Word is so stark and depressing to look at. This has blue and orange and awesomeness all over it whilst I'm typing which is rather stimulating and doesn't seem to cage me in as much. While formatting on here is a bit more difficult, I think it's worth it. So back to the point. I think I'm going to start writing bits of the story on here. These bits will be subject to change. I'll be switching points of view with each chapter so I feel like this would be a good way to get it out.
Let's just hope I don't chicken out.

Story Time Part 1

So first of all I feel the need to let out my second day working with glasses, the people that sell them, and that people that wear them.
It was nuts.
I started out just shadowing for the day. This was fine. Then around lunch time I think I actually became the lunch. I was fed to the sharks. And left to die.
Luckily, I remember a decent amount and did not feel badly about bugging the crap out of my fellow eyewear sellers. For some reason, I already have been given a commission amount that I am supposed to reach daily (even though I thought I was just supposed to be shadowing for the next week or so). How this makes sense, I haven't quite figured out. I go back in today, 11-7, and I'm not sure what to expect. I'm worried about falling short but at the same time, I feel like they can't blame me for it as they literally just threw me out there with little to no experience. I'm glad they have faith in my ability, but I certainly do not have the same enthusiasm that they do. Oh well. Perhaps today will be a little slower and they will go back to letting me shadow and train rather than do it all by myself. We'll see. It's a Tuesday so I can't imagine too many people coming in. But if I apply that same reasoning, then Monday shouldn't have been so dang busy either. Hmmm. I feel a long day coming on...

And Now For Something Different...

Back to Lens Crafters I go. First day was pretty good. I'm still worried about flying solo. There's just so much to remember! My measly little unworked brain isn't sure it's able to handle all the information! It all seems fairly straightforward, I just know that I'm going to make some huge mistake and then it's going to be bad. Like, VERY bad. Like, THE EARTH IS NOW ON FIRE BECAUSE I MESSED UP YOUR PRESCRIPTION bad. People tend to be very... enthusiastic about their glasses. We had both extremes on what I'm now calling my enthused spectrum yesterday. One lady came in expecting 4 pairs of glasses to be done when only 2 were complete. When this bit of information was passed on to her, not only did her face turn red as a lobster in a boiling pot of water, but it began an interesting tension war throughout the entire store. Mainly because there was another person who was also in at the same time that was IN LOVE with his new glasses. I'm talking walk down the aisle in love. He literally was yelling at the manager about how AWESOME his new frames were and how much he LOVED this store and the people in it and how he would ALWAYS come here for glasses from now on. This would have been awesome if our manager wasn't also getting yelled at for our EXTREME incompetence and TOTAL lack of intelligent employees. NOTICE how I am capitalizing EVERY AWESOME ADJECTIVE AND VERB?!?! I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. But really- it was a good first day back but goodness gracious did I get a reminder of the good and bad that come with it. I was just waiting for the two customers to start going at it. I can see it now:
Lobster Lady: I HATE THIS STORE!
Happy Coffee-Cracked Man: I LOVE THIS STORE!
LL: THEY SUCK HERE!
HCCM: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! HAHAHAHA! But no, really, THEY ROCK HERE!
LL: MY LIFE SUCKS AND I BLAME IT ON THEIR INCOMPETENCE!
HCCM: MY LIFE SUCKS TOO! BUT NOW I CAN SEE IT SUCKING MUCH CLEARER AND THAT IS AWESOME!
LL: GO TO HELL.
HCCM: NO THANK YOU! HAVE A F*ING FANTASTIC DAY MA'AM! YEAAHHHHH!
I don't know where that came from. But it happened and now I can move on. Bottomline- yesterday went okay and I'm hoping today goes well, too. Otherwise I will be at work for 8 hours and hating life. Which is unacceptable.
Also, my internship still hasn't gotten back to me. I have to work tomorrow during their meeting so I have no clue what she wants me to do about it. So yep. I'm just not gonna care. Awesome.

Fiance's Office Is In Antarctica.

I'm sitting in Alex's office. I have been here for almost 4 hours now. While the chair is comfy and the quiet is nice, I have one complaint.
It's fracking freezing in here.
I only have my jacket for warmth. And it's a rather large jacket. Yet I am still freezing. So much so that I'm surprised I can still type as I haven't felt the tips of my fingers for almost a half an hour now. I've been keeping an eye on which body parts are claimed and when. My feet were lost about an hour ago. The icy chill is slowly creeping up my legs. My ears are nonexistent and I'm pretty sure it is the work of a miracle from Jesus himself that my hands still seem to be fully functional. Or perhaps it's just sense memory at work. Who knows? Who cares? I sure don't! Wanna know why? BECAUSE I AM FREEZING.
My computer only has 23 minutes left on its battery. I feel like this extreme cold has taken its toll on my lovely new piece of technology as well. The cold is zapping the energy straight from the battery and using said energy to create more cold.
Bottomline, it has been sunny and 60 degrees all week down here in North Carolina. I have bragged to many a Marylander about the wonder that is the southern climate. Yet here I sit. Afraid to move for fear of using too much energy that should only be used in heat generation. I am in Antarctica.

Maureen

One day I will play the role of Maureen. I will sing Take Me or Leave Me. I will sing Over the Moon. I will play myself on stage. Someone who thinks she knows herself but is only lost. A lost soul yearning to be found. Yet scared of someone recognizing her true self. She longs to be noticed but hates any attention that gets too close to the truth of her. She is in control of her pieces as they fall apart and come together. I will play someone who is so much like me. I will remember those moments from life that I never want to remember. I will be vulnerable on a stage in front of people I will never meet. I will break the walls down and watch as they fall away around me. I will grow and thrive in my soul. And people will witness this reformation without knowing. They will only see Maureen. Not a lost little girl finding herself. One day. Oh, one day. I only hope that one day isn't too terribly far away.
Theatre has always been a part of me. A part of my very being and essence. I need it to survive. Being without it for so long only makes my yearning stronger. It's a pulling sensation that almost rips me from the inside out. Being on a stage. It's all about being on a stage. Being there to help create something that will never happen again. Moments that will attempted to recreate by those who don't understand the art. Every night should be different. Every night is new. Fresh. A new reformation of truth on the stage and within yourself. It's cathartic. It's beautiful. It's necessary for life. And a huge part of me is dying every day that I am without it.
One day.
Oh, one day.

Super Bowl

I love watching the Super Bowl. It's one of my favorite things to look forward to for a few reasons.
1) Let's be honest, it's ALL about the commercials. And watching Roseanne get flattened by a log for Pepsi Max was amazing.
2) Listening to Alex impersonate John Madden. Best Quote of the Night: "Gahh I'm so drunk. I wanna make out with Brett Favre."
3) I actually love football. I'm always too busy to watch it every weekend (read "i forget about watching it") but I thoroughly get into the game. I'm one of those people who jump off the couch and squeal things like "WHAT?!?! DID YOU SEE THAT?! THAT WAS FUCKING SWEET!"
4) I love watching the half time show. And I adore making fun of it if it sucks.

This is where I am going to leave my list about the Super Bowl and begin a new list about the... umm... "show" presented by the Black Eyed Peas.
1) The Black Eyed Peas are good on the radio. They should stay there.
2) Whoever was working their sound must have gone into some kind of epileptic fit during the LED show because their mic and music levels were ALL OVER THE PLACE.
3) I also tip my hat to the sound guy for very rarely making us suffer through Fergie's vocal... eccentricities.
4) Axl Rose is still alive. No one but Axl Rose should sing Sweet Child O' Mine. No one. ESPECIALLY NOT FERGIE. I think my ears bled. And I'm sure Axl just wondered what on earth happened to real music.
5) I will admit, their LED work was pretty. But that doesn't excuse the cacophony of sounds that they were emitting without any concern for the millions of people watching this game.
6) I have decided that if someone shot Fergie, I would be okay with it.
7) Will. I. Am was so auto-tuned that I am now convinced he is a robot from outspace.
8) What is the point of the other two Black Eyed Peas? I could see no point. One is ethnic of some nature so I guess that's his contribution. But the other guy... well... he just had weird hair. And that's cool but doesn't seem worth that much.
9) I'm still in shock of Slash. I love him. He is phenomenal. But he just sold out. Big time. DURING THE SUPER BOWL. Well, if you gotta go out, I guess going big works.
10) Usher was disappointing. But his split was badass. No kids for you, sir. But it was worth it. It was honestly the high point of the whole thing.

I shall now go back to watching the game. I have been raised in a home that roots for the Steelers. But I have lived the past 4 years in Baltimore and the Steelers totally kicked the asses of the entire Ravens team. I'm talking total rapage of Flacco. And Alex is from Baltimore so I feel the need to root against the Steelers. Either way, I'm kind of okay with whoever wins- no matter how blasphemous that sounds.

*Side Note: WHAT IS JUSTIN BEIBER AND OZZY OSBOURNE DOING IN THE SAME COMMERCIAL?!?!?! Wait... they just saved it for announcing that Beiber looks like a girl. I can concede to this.

and you go where the money goes

so i'm quitting cracker barrel and going back to lenscrafters. yep. no more cleaning up old lady pee. or super early mornings. or heavy lifting. so there will be a slight change in my routine which i'm rather looking forward to. i'm a little sad to leave the people there that i've enjoyed working with, but the wages i'm being offered are just too good to turn down. and i kinda miss working with those guys. the staff was awesome and i really enjoyed working with all of them. so i really think it will be nice to go back and work with them again. :) so here is a haiku for cracker barrel:

barrel of crackers,
i've enjoyed the times we've had.
it's been fun. deuces.

and one for lenscrafters:

left you once before
but i'm back now to help sell
your sight enhancers.

yep. haikus are awesome. one of the simple joys of life, really. thank you kelly fuller for reminding me of that fact. :)

Endgame.

sometimes i wish we could just grab a hold of life and throw it out the window. hold on to each other tightly and fly away. start over. never wonder about the past because there is no past. just now and the future. start over completely. fresh. clean. no worries or pretenses. just shiny and new. i would like that.

I Need To Feel The Spotlight

now.

Cat Power on my iTunes

piano keys
black and white
plucking the strings that remind me of home
always ending too soon
leave me wanting
wanting
wanting
missing the calm and the serene
the voice in my heart flutters
it wants to be heard
it wants to sing
i found a reason
tune into the radio in my head
listen to the rhythm
believe in the music
know the truth of me
better run while you can

The Wii Fit Says I'm Fat

So, in spite of it, I like to eat chocolate cake while playing.
My balance is fine, thank you very much.
I am in decent shape.
I can do yoga.
I can do push ups and lunges and jack knives and twists.
But I still don't fit your "standard".

I used to.
I used to be a stick with no curves but that wasn't good enough either.
So now that I have curves, they still aren't right.
I'm supposed to lose weight.
I'm supposed to eat healthy.
I'm supposed to forget that we only live life once so we should enjoy it and not waste it counting calories.
So, Wii Fit, I dare you to make me feel inferior.
I dare you to tell me that I can't eat chocolate cake. Or Oreos. Or cheesecake. Or pizza.
I dare you to make me feel like I'm not good enough.




And yet, I somehow feel guilty for that piece of chocolate cake.

Internet

Click. Click. Refresh. Click.
Type Type Type Oblivion Type Type Brain Implosion Type.
Losing touch of reality with each click click click.
Switch the tab and hope for something new and exciting.
Nothing new.
Refresh.
Click.
Refresh.
I wish I had a refresh button.

Dazed and Confused

I recently started freelancing/interning for a local publishing company. This = AWESOME. The problem is that I'm writing about NC history (which I know ZERO about) for middle schoolers (which I relate ZERO to). I need to have a story written (about 6-8 pages) about the Revolutionary War by tomorrow. Right now I have maybe 1 1/2 written. Maybe. If I up the font to 16. And, go figure, today I'm feeling more lost than usual.
Cracker Barrel, while I don't mind working there, has really begun to steal my soul one god-awful Grascal song at a time. I've been moving displays and checking SKU numbers like its my job (which it kinda is) for the past three days straight from 7 in the morning until 2 in the afternoon. Oh, and I've mopped up old lady piss too. And that was after spilling the mop bucket all over the restaurant because of some imaginary lip in the floor that decided to pop up to ruin my Tuesday. I've sold chocolate scented bears to people under the pretense that you should cuddle it when you have a food craving and it will keep you from wanting to snack on chocolate. How this makes sense, I'm not quite sure. But it has been working. A lot more than I feel comfortable disclosing.
But getting back to the point- I've been feeling lost lately and I feel like it's all culminated into this morning's self-esteem implosion. I'm not a kids writer. I use words like "culminated" in everyday speech. I write metaphorically with symbolism and depth. Not "Susie knew that history was super boring, but since Ryan thought it was cool, she decided to play along since he is sooooo cute." I know I'll write the story. And I know it will end up being what the publisher wants. But I don't want to lose my ability to write for adults. I don't want to dumb down my writing to the point that I dumb down myself. That shit can happen. For real. And that's scarier than the streets of Pittsburgh after the Steelers lose a game. Never been in Pittsburgh after a loss? Neither have I. You know why? Because I value my life.
All I want to do is cuddle up on the couch and play WoW like the nerd I am. I also want to watch the next episode of Heroes on Netflix (that show is strangely addictive). I wouldn't even mind breaking out my old binders and cleaning up some old poems or writing some new stuff. Or maybe I'll just write another blog about the Cracker Barrel purse snatcher. Or maybe about my uncanny ability to eat chocolate cake while playing the wii fit.
Instead I will end this for now and start writing to preteens about NC's part in the Revolutionary War. Super awesome guys. I, like, totally can't wait.

Jar of Hearts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM

i'm too tired to write tonight so here is a link to what i've been listening to on repeat for the last 2 hours. literally. i'm not even kidding. 2 hours and it hasn't gotten old. kickass.

Patrick Stewart has soft sweaters

I'm currently sitting in our living room where for some reason it is approximately -236 degrees. The Kingdom Hearts blanket just isn't cutting the cold today. And it's snowing. Well, flurrying anyway. It's supposed to blizzard sometime today. I'm sad that it hasn't. If it insists on being colder than Dickens, I expect massive amounts of fluffy white happiness to be covering the world around where I am positioned. So much snow that I can't go to work and fiance must stay in too. No school or Cracker Barrel for anyone! Yet, 'tis only flurries that fall from the sky. Saddening my heart. Filling it with melancholy woe.
I wish I had something super warm and soft to bundle up in that would eliminate all signs of the arctic weather down here. Perhaps a sweater like Patrick Stewart has. He has super soft and warm sweaters. I know that for a fact. I know that sounds silly, but it's the truth. Wanna know why I know?
Because I touched him.
Well, I touched his sweater. And it was super soft. Like a chinchilla after a dust bath. Only not. I must investigate the material in his sweaters and then buy many for myself. My new cozy sweaters would keep me toasty on days such as this. And they would remind me of the time that I touched Patrick Stewart and somehow didn't get maimed by his bodyguard for doing it.
In short, they would be the best sweaters ever.

Cake

i made a cake today. and i felt like sharing. you're welcome.

In Laws

I would like to think that my soon-to-be-in-laws like me. I'm never really sure though. Some days they're all "You are too awesome!" and "I'm so glad you're here!" and other days they're like "Why do you exist?" and "What do you want from me?" and "You have ruined our son." Needless to say, I never know if they're going to like or simply tolerate me while I'm around. They are supposed to be coming to visit either today or tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it because regardless of my shortcomings as a daughter-in-law, seeing them does make Alex happy since he's never been away from home. On the other hand, I haven't finished cleaning the house. And I have no desire to do it now. And I have to leave for work in 15 minutes. And I have no idea if they will be here tomorrow or when I get home from work tonight. Hence the predicament. So here I sit, eating popcorn shrimp that I baked in the toaster oven, drinking caffeine to help me get through work today, remembering that I not only need to clean before they arrive, but that I also bought cake mix to make a birthday cake for my father-in-law. I believe I may be baking said cake while he is here. Because I'm obviously not doing it now. So we'll see if they show up tonight or tomorrow. Either way, I hope they don't mind a messy house.

Saliva

Alex and I have been marathoning seasons of Bones recently. What can I say- I love the show and I have managed to get him addicted as well. So I come home from a long day at work and he has the next episode loaded up and waiting to watch. I find this sweet so I lay down on the couch with him to enjoy. Did I mention that it had been a super long day at work? Okay. Mentioned. Yet, fiance was hoping to stay up late and watch the rest of the season (3 episodes in total... meaning 3 hours... and I got home after 10 PM). Here is his attempt to convince me:
Bones episode on during the following conversation:
Hodgins is talking to Brennan about the source of saliva found on the clothing of a victim.
Fiance: Speaking of saliva... wanna swap ours?
Me: What?
Fiance: I was trying to be romantic.
Me: It didn't work. What do you want?
Fiance: I wanna watch the end of the season. There's only three episodes left.
Me: No.
Fiance: Please?
Me: No.
Fiance: We can swap saliva to make the time go faster.
Me: No. No. And No. I am exhausted. You can stay up to watch, but I will be going to bed after this one.
Fiance: Even though I offered to love up on you?
Me: Yes. Although the idea of "swapping saliva" is rather wonderfully appetizing, I am tired.
Fiance: (sensing sarcasm) Okay fine. I'll just live vicariously through Bones and Booth.
Me: They don't kiss in this season.
Fiance: Shit.
Needless to say, I went to bed and he followed. We will probably finish the season tonight as I actually get off work at a decent hour. I love my romantic fiance.

Work

This is going to sound simple, but I really and truly have no desire to go to work tonight. Alex is playing Lego Harry Potter and I feel like joining him. Instead, I am blogging whilst eating sugary snacks that will keep me awake and on my feet until 10 PM. I could be playing Hermione right now. Just saying. I have no idea why I am blogging about this. And yet I continue to type. Maybe it's just to prove that I still can. Hopefully I can write something a little more insightful later. If not, I will leave you with this:
In the same way that the movie did, the Lego Harry Potter game completely ditches the logic/potions section with Hermione after Ron's chess game and before Harry fights Quirell/Voldemort. I find this entirely unacceptable.